Things my cats thinks…..I think

No matter how much we fight, when its chow time peace can be had (but only for the fancy wet food of course)
If I wants of sit on the antique table, by golly, I will….until you see me of course.
If I want to sleep on the bed and roast you out, you will let me….because as you struggle to free yourself, I will plant my claws in to keep you from falling out….even if it happens to draw blood.
I will lick the top of your beer can and you will relish the very fiber of the hair I leave there.
I will learn to open any and all drawers, especially the bathroom and pull out your personal products at two am and throw them around the floor. Maybe you will even find some cat hair on them too. My token gift to you.
I will toss up a hair ball or the food I just wolfed down, whenever and wherever I feel like it, especially into the cold air return grate just to watch you have to dig it out.
I will sleep in your clothes drawer if you’re stupid enough to leave them open and black clothing is what I like to lay on the most.
I will get into your closet when you’re gone and pull myself up to hide even if it means a few pulls in the silk…um…not sorry by the way.
I will meow and ring the bells to be let out (it’s funny, the dog never caught onto that trick but I think I’ve aced the lesson)…just so you can let me back in a minute later as I stare through the window from the cold outdoors like the little match girl. Don’t you feel bad now? Can I go out again?
I will lay on the floor in the dark so you stumble on me, when I cry out you will feel bad and that makes me happy…but I like it best on the stairs so that I can see the look on your face as you catch yourself from falling….I’m kind of evil that way.
I will let you pet me just a few times, then I will bite you just because.
I will hang my butt out of the litter box and hit the floor with kitty cookies just so you get some exercise cleaning up after me.
You will hang up your clean laundry, or I will be forced to sleep on it just to teach you that these things need to be tended to promptly.
I don’t CARE if the mouse trap catches more than me, does a mouse keep you warm at night? Hmmmm, does it????
To teach you proper grooming skills, I will roll in the burdocks and mat my fur up just so you can try to cut them out with the scissors as I try to bite you. I’m like a live blood and guts video game…can you master your scissors with dexterity and speed….well can you punk?
I find nothing more fun than running away on the day we have a vet appointment so you can stress out and as soon as you call them and cancel, maybe I will show up…but maybe not till after the appointed time.
Do NOT thaw the turkey in the sink for the holidays. I find it just too tempting while you are at work and your cooking is just too awesome that I feel the need to taste test it in case it’s poisonous ahead of time. Ok, I know it’s not but I need an excuse right?
Besides, that plastic bag is no match for my fangs.
I’m sorry I let you know of my utter distaste for the new couch by clawing the crap out of it when you were gone for the day. I don’t care how much you threaten to remove my toes….I know you won’t …next up, the matching chair….
If you die in your sleep, I will fight off the dogs to feast on you first because I love you. (Okay…I’m just guessing at that one).
I’m sorry I climbed on the roof to meow in the window at you through the screen (at two am) while you slept…I was hungry and you looked like you weren’t doing much so why not? Okay, not sorry…
Did I mention just how much I like your plants? I think I’m a budding artist with the abstract colors of green bits and stems strewn about the carpet. Pretty, don’tcha think?
Make sure you empty the small garbage cans too while you’re at it as I enjoy climbing in them at night, they’re like my personal plastic fort…so I have to empty all the contents on the floor so I fit. Besides, more exercise picking up q tips and Kleenex is good for you..I even helped shred that Kleenex to give you extra bits to pick up.
I’m sorry the neighbor dog scared me two stories up the pine tree in that winter storm so that you had to get the BIG ladder to try to reach me after being up there for hours and hours but you were such a good coach that I managed to learn how to get back down all by myself….hey, you tried so credit for that. That ladder looked pretty heavy as you draagged it through two feet of snow too.
No matter what I do, the names you call me, I know you still love me…at least I think so.

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21 thoughts on “Things my cats thinks…..I think

  1. The third showed up before winter…got her fixed up but she is a feisty one….can’t wait to move all three to Florida from New York, now that will be a fun trip….not.☺️

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  2. 😂 Ha ha ha – crazy cats. The one that owns me is white, and I wear mostly black and dark clothes. The rest you can imagine. Marvellous story, Kim. Thanks for the laugh. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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