Peace floating

Thoughts lay in tiny bubbles

color of worlds imagined deep within

meditate the way into the dreams

set free the dark in the silence of a fast beating heart.

Latent ideas waiting to be tapped

with a gentle push they fly higher

catching the wind and disappearing into the thinness,

she softly whispers her wish into the night.

Hours pass in a solitude

not quite confined yet trapped momentarily by images

yesterday and the fast paced beat of the fear

to consume or expel into the light

there is only one way to go.

She wears the scars of a thousand battles

invisible to the eye of those who peer within

the balm of time is the salve to heal

and the holes will close

leaving only a faint remnant behind,

of a day in the life better left forgotten

like dust motes scattered

and soundless they blow

into the eternity of space and energy,

watching the specks disappear

and tucking away the memory

of release.

Somewhere between here and nowhere

I made it as far as Topeka before my cash ran out. Jumping off the bus in the darkness of this place wasn’t my idea of a life lived free but for now it would do. I glanced at the map beneath a street light, tattered and greasy from use, suddenly feeling like Columbus on a flat world, the crease and drop off a bit farther from where I currently stood.

I found a bench in front of a window with one of those cheap closed signs hanging off kilter, no hours posted but the place was dark. The smell of grease seemed to ooze from somewhere within the dingy windows and assaulted my nostrils in the night cooled air. A breeze picked up, the sound of metal coming towards me as a crunched can tumbled down the street. I sat my bag down and stood up to retrieve the can, my good girl sense of not littering never far. Lifting it with two fingers, stale beer dripped onto the still warm pavement,  I lifted the lid to a nearby trash can to throw the offending article away. In the light I could see the white rice on the lid moving slowly, realizing they were maggots and were everywhere, unhinging my gag reflex as I slipped the can into the darkness of the plastic tub, the smell of death and decay slammed me full value in the nose and I felt my granola bar I had eaten on the bus, rise to the surface of my throat. “Good God, what the hell is in there?” I retched next to the can and as I stood up, saw a hand laying next to the beer can I had tossed in. I leaned over and threw up anything else that had been left in my stomach, wiping my face with my arm, reached for my cell phone. I dialed as my hand shook and finally took a breath when a pleasant voice greeted my ears. “Topeka emergency services, what can I help you with today” and as I looked back to the trash can, frantically trying to compose my thoughts, a shadow moved from the side of the diner and it was then I found my lost voice and screamed.

To be continued…….

When we were small

Through jungles of thick dense mirages

we quietly slip through the darkness seeking

the light of a thousand daydreams

we know lay beyond the realm of youth.

When we were small we longed for age,

to be like those we saw around us like tall trees

and beautiful willowy women who entered rooms

and silence greeted their demure smiles,

jewels dripping from arms and necks

as the music played and the dances began

we watched from behind potted plants

meager in our pajama clad selves,

uninvited to the ball.

We pretended in front of mirrors,

decorating faces with left-over hand me downs

crumbling blue shadows and dried tubes and pots-

and broken glittering necklaces with missing pearls,

we bowed and curtsied and spun with joy

yet somewhere inside we knew it was just play

the tattered gowns and the laughter we endured

on playground fields from the older girls,

we stood with our faces outstretched to the sun,

yearning to be seen

in the overgrown garden of this make believe.

When we were young we longed for more

and as we became the trees so tall

we looked with love at those still small,

remembering the good

and casting out the sad,

now we long for those softer times of quiet,

the moments of innocence before the dark clouds

of want and need and anger became

a fabric of our lives we had not asked for,

we long for that peace

of yesterday once more.

I saw this image and this is what came to mind, no fears my friends, I’m in a good place, sitting in the shade of a beautiful Florida winter? day, listening to the world move in its own special way and just being.

Into the rabbit hole

I felt the sun bearing down on my body, moving the brush back and forth against blue tile as cold water splashes like diamonds upon my skin, I stared into the depths of the azure water, feeling the coolness upon me, spreading peace through me like a gentle storm.

My mind keeps drifting into places I had not thought about for many years, memories of a childhood, of the scent of the sneaker smudged yet shining gym floors as light flooded in from windows two stories above my head, the image of the silken material draped in a perfect circle, its color a drab army green, the parachute that lay waiting for the games to begin.

Children stood around this circle. Talking amongst themselves and laughing and I remember just gazing at the color, how it seemed so foreign there against the brightly colored painted stripes and circles of the basketball court. I did not know what was to happen, standing as a mere spectator around the cloth I watched, waiting patiently. The whistle blew and I felt a hand upon my shoulder, was told to go lay in the middle, the next sacrificial lamb I remember after the fact, but the smiles of friends and the nudges from those beside me sent me forward to become a part of this challenge. The other girl, I do not recall her name, lay beside me in the middle of this silken circle and the children on the edges grabbed hold of the material and lifted. They began to moving around the cloth in a circle, as the material gathered up tighter and tighter, closing off the light from sight and at one point separating me from the other child within this cocoon. The outer children kept moving until they could move no more, the material all tied tight and we lay within, not knowing up from down, locked in tight.

The whistle blew and the command was shouted to work our way out. I remember the kicking and screaming of the girl somewhere beside me beyond a curtain of silk and how I kept flailing and ripping at the fabric, trying to break free. I think I was crying, I think I panicked and in the end, I believe we failed to emerge as expected. I do not remember anything else after that.

As a child I could never wear slippers or night-clothes that covered my feet. My mother would have to cut them off as I would wake drenched in sweat from fighting to free myself, to breathe. This was that feeling again, except it was all of me, in this maddening rabbit hole, no escape, no light. I do not know why this memory keeps lingering today, as I am feeling so very peaceful, under a vast blue sky, working beside a neon bright blue pool. Perhaps it is just in need of escaping onto the paper, to become words so that it can be set free once and for all, to know that I am not a small helpless child and that I can make choices of what I wish to do. To have the conviction and strength I lacked then, to plunge down the rabbit hole and face the darkness I had feared or to remain on the edge and just opt out. Universal reminders taught to self through time and space, and to take one last plunge into the darkness, to turn on the light and know that it will all be all right. I am learning to let go, to dive in and to breathe.

Thoughts drifting

Were stood at a standstill in the harsh light of the sun,

waves of heat rising like a downtown oasis

blanketing life in the haze of a constructed cloud

built of sweat and labor

we slowly inch our way through

as I drift away.

In that space, not here but somewhere close within’

where the soothing wind finds me

like a small craft on an endless sea

or a child in a field of downy tufts

waiting to blow her wish into the skies.

So still yet all around the commotion

of mouths in animation moving fast, devices in hand,

lights that change much too soon

as we try to slip through into the wide open

I hear a melody in my mind

soft and sweet like a lullaby

and I gaze around at the nameless faces

smiling within for I am sitting here in this peace,

while the world rushes all around

I sit here grounded in gentle thoughts

enjoying the moment of the here and now.

I’ve no need to race to the ends of this road,

to play beat the clock and feel the rush

but to just breathe in and breathe out,

escaping into these thoughts that will wait

for the open door and smiling faces

on the quiet street where the spring flowers bloom

and there is room

to move and grow

in an idyllic pace of time passing unnoticed.

It’s always an adventure driving to the closest “big” city, being stuck in gridlocked traffic as the endless construction moves forward, but today I just took the time to be lost in thought, watching the people around me looking stressed and rushed, and felt such a peace to know, we will get where we’re going in good time, there’s nowhere else we need be, and to just enjoy the moment.

Shades of gray

Paper mache thoughts
staircase of memory moving in skies of the mind,
he cuts out the stars they say
building his universe piece by piece,
and hanging the brightest
slightly shrouded in mystery
behind a veil of emotion.
Water winds its way through to find
his toes cautiously testing to find
hot or cold
as he leaves the ripples behind
he watches them undulate into
the common answering wave,
as they slip together along the seam
becoming one they move
in and out from source.
He paints to live
in this world of pain,
wracked by unanswered questions,
he knows where his sail is moving
as he coasts along in the playground of mind,
cutting shapes
he puts them together like his worries on a shelf,
one at a time he stares at them all,
knowing it feels like never enough-
he looks for the guiding star he had lost
to find it resting quietly waiting
where he had always left it,
tucked into the heart.

Cloaked in color

We are what we are

cloaked in the colors we choose to wear

hues to mark the emotion we feel

wrapped tight in the comfort of our choice.

We hold it about us, becoming all we desire-

manifesting the persona we long to be,

draped in the fabric of the lives we live.

Who do we become,

when we slip away for a while into the edges,

the places where there are no faces,

no reflections to mar-

no standard we are set up to be,

just the quiet solitude that comes

when we step aside and sit awhile-

contemplating our todays and the meaning

of each feeling that cascades like silk,

moving over us like a curtain shuts out the light.

We rest here in the crook of this place,

poised on the edge of darkness we peer in-

hoping to see just a little bit more

to feel a little bit more than this cavernous echoing place,

we remain until ready-

and we push aside the ties that bind,

unwrapping our hearts as we cautiously peer about-

knowing that the colors have become

just a small fragment of ourselves,

and our thoughts rush naked into the void

slipping through the cracks where the light still shines,

and emerging from the cocoon of life

decked in our finest selves,

eager to become a part of it all once more.

 

Like light

We weave our way into this season of light,

marigold days with sun gracefully settling

before we are ready

to let go the warmth of moments.

Cut-out thoughts like paper dolls dancing

upon dying leaves left underfoot,

the scent once broken spills into the mind

stirring remembrance like bread dough in a bowl,

rising higher with the warmth found.

Eyes closed against the glare of forward motion,

we turn round and spin in the element of this second,

27 minutes past the hour and falling behind

yet unaware, somewhere within

life’s clock that drives us hard

like demons close behind

chasing us into the chaos,

if we but stop and stand strong in thought,

our conviction is thus,

relishing this everything

as another minute passes

and 32 left before we roam.

With a light step I shall move

not pressed onward, but lost in this very second,

inhaling the scent as the day unfolds around me

and grey skies block the mighty bulb above,

switch turned off for now

but knowing someone will come along

and turn it back on once more.

I will cast my silhouette against the morning sky,

giving praise for all in my grasp

and blessings for each day that shall come

I dance in the universe unbound.

We are balanced

Between our worlds of cosmic stars

and moonlit forays into the wildness that is

the essence of a life well lived

cleverly colored like magic crayons

we dot the stars with our words,

hang carefully the dreams out on the line to dry

in summer breezes we balance

the presence of the present.

Hoop wishes spinning like sweetest thoughts

drifting around to return once more

to places where we dirty our feet

treading on sacred ground of soul,

where we were born once before we knew

the elegance of a star dust show,

changes that change places with the yesterday

leading us to where the whimsy whispers

sweetest voices heard on high

hearing our plea

responding to the cry

for a place of peace and harmony

swirling around we catch the glimpse

of our future selves yet we know the mirror shows

the who and what we are now

and it is divine in its beauty,

balanced in our form

content in our skin.

In between spaces

My mind resides in drops of moisture

translucent thoughts wispy like the wind

breezes through windows yet no relief

from the mood that surrenders my soul

to seek the peace of somewhere.

Eyes fight to open

as I move like a phantom place to place

never really here or there,

just somewhere I cannot name

a place I’ve often been.

I see the light yet fight to reach

pulling myself up from this fading moment

perhaps to lay a spell and ponder

in a dream world I shall catch

the essence of self once more.

In between spaces of light and dark

no particular reason, perhaps just a lark

of nature and energy not in sync

I ask for the intervention of fluid water

soothing as it releases drop by drop

from clouds that move sideways

unlike my inner thoughts that slide in circles

coming round to find

I stand here wondering which words to choose

to suit the mood

of a melancholy day.